I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
