Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
