farters have to be the big spoon...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
