who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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