My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
