i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Is Oprah even human
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
