If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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