I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
