i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Randomize
