i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
