My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I am available for nakedness
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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