i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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