Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
