and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
