my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
