Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
