you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
