it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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