I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?