this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.