Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.