I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
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The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
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Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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