OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
