Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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