Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
