Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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