I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
