Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
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I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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