I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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