My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
