Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
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Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
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I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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