I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
