Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
