So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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