I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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