I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
