I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
God gave him joint rollers for hands
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
