What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
