a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
