he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Houston, we have a blender
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It's blow job season.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Randomize
