I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
