I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
