I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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