i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
