I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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