She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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