mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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