Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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