i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
be right there i have to get my cape
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
