You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
