i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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