I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
