Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
