Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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