Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
