I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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