I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
