So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
