i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
