Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
