i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
