Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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