the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Operation Purity has been aborted
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize