i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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