Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
