The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
