Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
