Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
