I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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